Should we really skip Breakfast? The most important meal of the day?!

Well, it's been quite some time since I last wrote. Some 9 years 2 months 20 days, some minutes and several seconds. Many of you will have been wondering what has happened to the Raven. I estimate approximately zero people have been wondering which is an alarming number. I mean less people are starving, hungry and homeless in Monaco!

As you should have worked out by now much has changed since that time. Apart from some things like the Queen of the UK and the head of the Commonwealth (her age now means she won't need to show ID at Wetherspoons they can just use carbon dating now), Queen Angela Merkel of German Europe, Emperor Putin of Russia and Minister of Crime. Putin insists on spelling it by adding an A at the end for some reason. Still, he hasn't got my support as Minister of Crime, especially with the current wave of knife crime in London.

I would expect a good act by a Minister of Crime to be increasing the police presence on the streets. Scratch that, I would consider a good act by a minister of crime to be ensuring the police actually do work. By that, I mean a smart looking fellow walking the streets, baton and hand-cuffs in belt whilst wearing an egg shaped hat not the American style "let's grab a box of donuts" whilst on a 'stake out' (I personally am not a fan of having steak with doughnuts. Yes that is how you spell doughnuts) or asking a random driver for his license and insurance whilst holding the driver over the back of the car so they can view their bottom whilst seductively stroking their gun so it is warmed up for immediate use should they see any stereotypical looking situation they would need to use their gun for. I really can't be bothered to list all the American police's stereotype gun use excuses but just think of all those movies. Rush Hour, Police Academy or that one with Eddie Murphy in it, erm, Nutty Professor? (Beverly Hills Cop really).

Going back to the serious point I'm making however, Putin, Minister of Crime, getting one of his employees to shoot down a large airliner is not addressing crime. In fact, the fact he shot down an airliner made by Airbus is worse as it has now caused chaos in Europe because Airbus is a company that has unified Europe. Bare with me whilst I go into my aviation geek mode and explain.

The Airbus A330 that was shotdown had the mighty Rolls-Royce Trent 700 engines which were built in the UK, probably by the Queen in her spare time. The ultra modern wings were built in Bristol by British Aerospace whilst Tony Bliar was considering his holiday options in Iraq. Queen Merkel and her predecessor, whose name I can't remember, I'm sure it wasn't Hitler, actually employed people rather than use some sort've ethnic group slave labour to build the plane's fuselage (the cylindrical thing that we sit in) in a German city called Hamburger (I suppose the German's didn't want to name the city Wurst... Being the worst city is bad enough). All of these parts of the plane are then shipped to Toulouse in France where it is put together. Despite the name of this French city, the plane is a winner and a true product of Europe. In fact the giant A380 Superjumbo and even the achingly beautiful and supersonic Concorde are products of the United States of Europe (abbreviated EU not USE). Let's be honest here, Concorde should have been Miss World.

Now, having written all of this about Airbus, my memory has just told me that Putin's mate actually shot down a Boeing 777 made by the United States of America. I, Raven, am clearly a bit stupid. Some shallow men in Essex nightclubs will call me a dumb bird and say "Let's have itttt."

Let's say, however, that I was right about an Airbus being shot down and add to that a certain Mr Nigel Farage, a local radio DJ on a station called LBC, who formerly led a welfare group concerned about insomnia called "U" "KIP". The United Kingdom who also calls itself, rather modestly, GREAT Britain and was a former ruler of a third of the people of the World has decided it wants to have Brexit.

I am concerned about this Brexit notion and some very senior doctors in the world have given me some very well evidenced advice on this. I say doctors, I mean doctor. Well, Dr Patel on Caterham Avenue. He is quite well spoken and a highly educated man having spent several thousand pounds on getting his medical degree certificate from Exford University. What a wonderfully efficient university Exford is. He says his certificate was emailed to him as a PDF. Dr Patel has, on many occasions, asserted that "brexit is most important food in day". Now I like to think I have quite a descent no ledge of the English language not as good as his obviously but I get by anyway. You know; "Bonjour", "gracias", "oi", "Where you at blad?" etc. And I've always presumed he means I should have Weetabix for breakfast when he says Brexit and never skip breakfast as its important. Medical terminology can be all too confusing.

Naturally, as we all do these days, I went on to the Internet to a website called Google. What a stupid name for anything let alone a website by the way. Why not give it a name like Jeeves? It's like me calling my first child "Jobs".

Anyway searching this Brexit word brought up a whole load of non-sensical rubbish that would've made something more non-sensical make sense. From what I can understand, Prime Minister May is negotiating with the President of the European commission who is apparently Jun(c)k(er). Apparently PM May wants us out of this Weetabix for breakfast business but the Junk can't agree. I can only presume the Junk has spoken with Dr Patel and is looking after the UK's best interests because quite frankly I can see May wants this because she prefers long Brunches discussing how to make people more unhappy with Jeremy Hunt or how she plans to leave a whoopee cushion on Jeremy Corbyn's seat in the House of Commons. I could be wrong, it could just be that Parliament disagreed with this Junk's ideals of Weetabix for Breakfast and they want May to get us out of having Weetabix for breakfast and get the Junk to allow us to have a good fry up for breakfast whenever we want. I wouldn't mind that to be honest but fry ups cost a bit more and aren't as healthy.

The Junk doesn't seem to be too keen on this and May is asking for some sort of extra time to discuss further. Probably because she wants a nice summer agreement (we all love a Summer Divorce after all).

What is she going to achieve? Compromise and allow us to have rice krispies instead of Weetabix? Does she want to delay so we get our breakfast in May? The month of her name?

Then there is this ridiculous business about no deal Brexit. How can we be expected to skip Weetabix or any other breakfast for ever?! Sounds like this is going to snap, crackle and then pop to me.

So really what I'm really trying to say is; Mrs May, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Let's not skip it and, to save you all the trouble of trying to deal with Northern Irelanders having to stuff Weetabix up their backside (they call this the 'back stop' apparently), let's just stick to Weetabix at Breakfast. No more Brexit.

Time for me to go find out what's for Lunch.

Oh great. It's Trump Steak
. 

Raven

I’m really having to do a lot of apologies these days, I wonder if Gaddafi might skip the apology and just sod off?

Well, I have had to make a lot of apologies recently and I would like to take this moment to apologize, again, to those concerned. I am fairly sure you know who you are. Although you may be wondering that I am about to rant about what a terrible time I have been having recently, I feel it is more important to focus on events in the middle-east. As you all probably know by now, there is general unrest in the north Africa / middle-east region, and it’s not looking good for all you car drivers out there, simply because it means that we can’t get oil from the middle east anymore as it is too expensive and we will now soon have to start looking at Indian Curry reserves as a meaningful supply of oil for our petrol supplies.

I see the problem, as a result of the ridiculous oppressive, power hungry regimes, the fact that the world can now be accessed by the internet and therefore these oppressed people are looking, in disgust, that things like pornography (or dodgy videos for those of you who may be offended), gambling and disastrously stupid blogs, like this one, are legal. Those people are now realising that they can actually express themselves and not feel scared of being brutally beaten for doing so. I'm sure all you devoutly religious folk out there are bemoaning the fact that the modern day human being is far from the typical person religion illustrates, I certainly do feel a slight disappointment that religious belief has been superseded by popular culture, but that is how the world is moving. Man's search for answers and the path to happiness has gone from religion to a form of 'trial and error' where all paths are tried until the right one is found.

The current plight in Libya is incredibly disturbing. A man with a shocking hairstyle has lots of money, doesn’t want to share it and has shot anyone who asks: “Please Sir, can I have some more?” Ring any bells? Tons of money is coming into the nation but there is no fun for the people because the leaders there are oppressing the population and not spending the money on them. Just like the fat man, who didn’t give Oliver Twist more food and then sold him. So let's look at what are realistic solutions in a country where the people want happiness and the Colonel won't give any.

It has to be said, that Gaddafi person, is rarely seen smiling. I think, you may agree with me, that he is a miserable bastard. A few Botox injections may not get a smile out of that face. I really can't be bothered to psychoanalyse a man as horrid as he is and quite frankly, even I know this, leading a nation is a big popularity contest. There is no contest in Libya and Gaddafi leading Libya is much like Simon Cowell turning up to the next series of 'Britain's Got Talent' and saying, none of you can sing or perform and I will perform to the Queen at the Royal Variety show every year from now. It just won't work. No-one will watch the 'Britain's got talent' show again because it'll just be Cowell singing a song and he'll get to sing to the Queen every year. It's a ridiculous scenario. Gordon Brown, also known as ‘Mr. Unpopular due to his inability to smile’, was voted out by the nation despite being hailed as a super-hero by all other world nations because he saved us from financial disaster.

Gaddafi has given the nation little political choice, he hasn't used the massive surplus enjoyed by Libya to make him more popular and he has bad hair. Surely, if there was a general election he would've gone a long time ago. He isn't the Queen, who is unelected and born into her job of leading a nation, yet she is popular because she knows she not the best at leading her country and leaves that to someone else while she goes around looking 'cool' and regal. Problem is, Gaddafi doesn't want to go so how can he make himself Mr. Popular?

(Gaddafi lacks the "cool" aura that makes the Queen so popular and ... a good haircut.)

Well he could let someone else run the country making the people happy, while he carries on as Colonel, gets a haircut and looks 'cool' and regal while earning a part of the profits his country makes. Mind you, he has to not be involved in government and that seems to be kind of hard for him. So, we can rule out him taking some sort of 'monarchy' / figurehead position.

If you ask me, he should just be a little less stingy and give everyone in his nation lots of money and share his ridiculous wealth. Let the population and Jawad (my good friend), watch their dodgy videos in peace and, above all, let them write a blog like this and not fear death by execution because they happen to mention that 'Gaddafi needs a haircut'.

Unfortunately, we know these are all unrealistic for Gaddafi so what should he just do? Get a haircut, apologise to the people and Janu (because I'm sick of having to apologise to her myself), admit to us, that you he is a cock and then, sod off.

Goodbye Colonel GadDAFI, maybe you can make a living by starting a fried chicken franchise because Daffy Duck will do a better job at being a proper leader.

Raven.

Dedicated to those who have lost their lives in the fight for democracy in Libya and throughout the world.

Protests in Egypt? - Blame Santa.

Well Christmas has become quite tedious these days hasn't it? All we ever hear about it is that the pope is doing some sort of midnight weigh-in ready for boxing day, groups of tone deaf singers do their annual door to door busk and Turkey has been eaten. I'm getting on a bit now and to this day I just don't understand how anyone can eat a country? I just think it's probably America’s new innovative weapon they discovered a few weeks back or something.

That play, where that baby is born? The nativity scene, it really is wrong. I mean, first of all, a play about a baby being born should be called maternity play? And WHY hasn't anyone realised its virgin Atlantic not Virgin Mary! Disaster.

I know I know, I sound a bit of a scrooge but, I do like the idea of presents. Receiving them anyway, hate giving.

As you may have realised from my lack blogging and this disastrously late publishing of the Christmas blog, is that all is not well in the world of Raven. Yes, that's right I have succumbed to the dreaded 'writer's block'. My doctor tries to reassure me that the world is boring and there is nothing to talk about. I didn't buy his argument and blamed NHS cuts for his inability to write me out a prescription. Mind you, it has been over a year since I last published and much has happened since.

Much like Christmas, the television has got gradually worse, it took BOTH the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives to remove the great Scot from number 10 and Prince Clegg of Lib Demistan has broken his promises. The student protests were a laugh it has to be said. Not sure how throwing a fire extinguisher off the top of conservative HQ into a crowd of, what can only be described as, other students, acts as a deterrent to the government in increasing fees.

Talking of protests, interesting week unfolding in Egypt. Just saw some protest footage on the news and downtown Cairo looks like someone has bombed lidl on a Friday night (when the youths from the local council estate go out to buy cheap booze). Mind you, for all I know, the protest is probably about the state of Lidl’s suspicious looking “Christmas Turkeys” with tinsel and mistletoe growing out of them.

The protests there seem to synchronise with the majority of the peoples' thinking in the Middle East. I wouldn't be surprised if other countries from the Middle East, like England for example, follow suit. Chairman Obama is hoping for a quick resolution but power hungry leaders will do anything to hold onto power for as long as possible. But why is there so much unrest in the sacred land of the pharaohs and the holy lands of the Middle East? A, now formerly, reliable source told me that the economy is taking its toll on capitalism and people want something done so they can lead better lives. I reassured this 'source' that if capitalism was in trouble, Microsoft will release an 'emergency update' to its Microsoft Word spell check software. It's no biggy surely? Maybe Microsoft has been slow to release an update and the protests are asking for Bill Gates to return to the helm of Microsoft?

It really makes you wonder what is actually going wrong (or right, if you want to save time) with the world then? Are they missing a certain Scottish prime minister? Is the world disappointed at the UK university fee rises? Could Bill Gates' decision to reduce his Microsoft activities in favour of more charity be the cause? Or maybe it's the fact British airports can't stay open in any weather other than bright sunshine?

The answer to all is a resounding, no. They just haven't been given their Christmas presents.

Raven.

Raven’s Predictions for 2010 – Jan - June

Well, it's that time of year again. New Year's resolutions and all that. Well as far as I am concerned, achievable New Year's resolutions don't exist unless the year lasts 6 to 8 hours. As a result, I've decided I'm going to start the new decade by making a few news / sporting predictions for 2010.

January:

Morale in the Raven household reaches an all time low as my New Year's resolution to be healthy ends up with me falling into coma as a result massive alcohol consumption four hours into the New Year.

An England cricket team boasting four players of South African descent beat South Africa in the test series. England Football manager, Fabio Capello, is seen conversing with England Cricket Coach, Andy flower, in a down town Johannesburg pub. Fabio later arrives at Buckingham Palace to make a request to the Queen.

February:

The Queen announces her plan to build a new British Empire. Fabio Capello, a shifty character in the last month after his secret request to the Queen, is asked by the Queen to become head of state in the new British state of Italy, should our army successfully invade.

I sober up for the first time in three years only to avoid a hangover by downing several thousand pints of Scotch.

Barack Obama's war on terror looks like it is starting to bear fruit as a strange bearded man relaxing in the beaches of California is arrested. Rumours that the war on terror is over and the FBI have indeed arrested Osama Bin Laden are thwarted as it is found that this gentlemen was in fact Santa Claus on his post Christmas holidays. Obama is later seen with pie in his face.

March:

The ongoing financial crisis in the armed forces mean that the Great British armed forces invade the great footballing nations of Italy and Brazil armed with dried nuts and freshly cut fruit. Rome and Rio are captured, Berlusconi surrenders as lemon juice is sprayed over his over active loins and the Samba army of Brazil is thwarted by a suspiciously mobile apple tree. The West Country, as a result, say their apple reserves are zero and cease the production of West Country cider. The NHS, on the brink of collapse, is saved by this announcement as Britain sobers up for the first time since 2007.

The massive hangover that follows is promptly blamed on the, now popular, scapegoat, the banks.

Footballing legends like Ronaldinho, Del Piero and Zinedine Zidane (from the now British State of France) are given British Passports. Didier Drogba (from the British State of Ivory Coast) and Christiano Ronaldo (from the British state of Portugal) are given British passports and entered in the World Diving Championships. They both win Gold and Silver respectively.

April:

A nation, frustrated by its political leader, fights back by threatening to sue Gordon Brown over racism. He denies being racist but the people protest in numbers that his name is too anti non-brown people. Brown resigns and general election is called. The labour party is in turmoil but is certain their wildcard choice of David Beckham to lead them will ensure they win another election.

Their confidence starts to thin as he crumbles on the first live television debate of major party leaders as the nation question his economic policies. The televised debate turns out to be disaster as the smug Cameron fails to impress and Nick Clegg has a freak accident on stage. Charles Kennedy takes over the Liberal Democrats, announces the night before voting starts that he will invest in more apples for the West Country and wins the election by landslide, Britain is drunk again and Kennedy denies an alcohol problem despite being seen walking into his first prime minister's questions with a bottle of suspiciously brown Evian.

The NHS crumbles.

May:

The start of the cricket season sees English born cricketers replaced by Australian ones. England wins every game of the year. Sir Alex Ferguson leads Manchester United to another Premier League victory and Ryan Giggs is announced as player of the year. Ryan later signs a twenty year contract for the club. Arsene Wenger's youth policy at Arsenal backfires as he is arrested for paedophilia despite his claims he saw nothing.

The recently nationalized Evian announce to the British Public that they will now start producing scotch. Charles Kennedy's authority is deeply undermined by suggestions he avoided claiming alcohol as MP's expenses by nationalizing the mineral water giant.

Barack Obama continues to warn North Korea and Iran for their supposed nuclear missile capabilities, tension is at its highest.

June:

With England's cricketers doing comfortably well, attentions are more focused on a new look England Football squad announced by Fabio Capello (KBE). Featuring one Englishman (Wayne Rooney, who was actually born in Ireland), five Italians, five Brazilians and three Frenchman, England walk into the World Cup as hot favourites due to pre- British Invasion favourites Brazil, Italy, France and Portugal all having to pull out due to a lack of eligible players. England reach the final but lose to Germany in penalties, as Wayne Rooney, the one true Englishman misses the decisive penalty. Thierry Henry, leads the Great British State of France to the Quarter finals with several hand balls.

Tension between the Empire building Great Britain and Germany are at their highest since World War two as Germany supporters celebrate World Cup victory. The Queen is seen giving Angela Merkel dirty looks and Wayne Rooney sets fire to a Mercedes to show his anger at the European Giant.

Will World War 3 break out? Find out soon…

If Pigs could fly.

Well, you may be wondering where I've been in the last few months. Has he been stuck in a British airport because airlines around the world are collapsing like a smoker's lung after 35000 cigarettes and an acute bout of bovine flu? Maybe he has been bankrupted and forced to sell sexual favours to rebellious nuns? Has he been stuck in a tunnel under a sea for several months because the trains got scared of the cold? Should I give a shit that he hasn't blogged in a while?

These are all questions that may have been circling through your mind and no doubt your answer to the latter would've been a resounding no.

Truth is, after my last blog my doctor decided that I had finally lost it and I have spent the last few months in the fantasia world that is otherwise known as Psychiatry Outpatients. Psychiatrists may seem rather smart but having been given every single tablet ever produced by glaxosmithkline my "world leading psychiatrist in the field of 'madism'" has decided he is not sure they are working. That isn't very smart. I may have been diagnosed with this 'madism' disease but I am certain I am less mad than the psychiatrist supposedly treating me.

Mind you, if it was up to me, I would diagnose the whole world with 'madism'. It really has gone mad.

I mean, the recent wintery weather has triggered the usual excuse from every transport companies' executive saying: 'oh we weren't ready for it' or 'it was too much for our system to handle'. When will we learn?

As for the politicians, well, Berlusconi got a pummelling in the news didn't he? Then he literally got pummelled by some random in Milan by a statue. I was waiting to see how long it would take. The Italians were clearly mad enough to let this joke of a man continue for so long without retribution!

And, on another point, what is up with men and sex these days? Tiger Woods caught short at what must've been his 30th hole? Berlusconi going with women, who are so young, they may as well call him Uncle Fritzl? It is another fine example of man becoming mad.

What about that politician who claimed £20000 for his bell tower and then turns round and says: 'you are jealous and I did nothing wrong'? Call me old fashioned but that is 'Poppycock'. I'll be honest here, when I first heard of this scandal I was a bit naïve and thought a bell tower was some sort of elaborate sex toy for the male genitalia. I was clearly wrong but this man is the most naive simply because he can't see, on moral grounds, how that was so wrong?!

Where will this end? The polar caps are melting and some economist decides to ruin a man who has spent his life working climate change by going through his personal emails, find out ONE of his graph's in 1999 was a bit wonky and therefore coming to the conclusion that climate change is wrong and we should stop the Copenhagen climate summit?! All this from an economist! Idiots didn't even see the recession coming yet they can tell that climate change is non-existent!

What about that catastrophic earthquake in Indonesia a few months back?! I'm a novice with this geophysics stuff, but as far as I could tell it was all caused by some man moving another man's tectonic plate?! I mean if I was jealous of someone's posh plates I won't MOVE it or push it under another plate! That's just plain jealousy!

Problem here is greed. Every human being is consumed with greed at some point. Why is greediness such a problem? For one, it really is a problem governments are not tackling because obesity, alcoholism and teenage pregnancies are somehow a bigger problem. Can't they see? The underlying cause of all these problems is GREED. Obesity is because everyone who can afford it is eating all the food and being greedy about it. Why not give the leftovers of Christmas dinner to the poor man on the street rather than stuff it down ourselves? Alcohol makes us feel good and alcoholism creeps in when you are greedy to feel that good all the time.

So what we must do here is combat greed.

My solution? Simple. My theory is that as human's we are naturally competitive race and we don't like getting beaten. Now, pigs have been much slated recently with the massive swine flu debacle and over time have been hated by Muslims and Jews all over the world. They are also part of many derogatory comments made to fat children by their peers in the school playground. But, most importantly, they have also been known as greedy.

The way I see it, the human race has seen the pig and decided to outdo the malodorous runts. This is why we are all so greedy because we want to be greedier than the pigs. So, put simply, the way to combat greed, alcoholism, obesity, cheating partners, bankers making remarkably risky decisions, madism and climate change remaining a reality we should simply get rid of the pigs.

(Sighs) If only pigs could fly.

 

(Dedicated, to many lovely people:

1. My awesome psychiatrist, therapist and general ketchup in my life, Piri Piri. (I owe u 1 [nothing too expensive though!])
   
2. Mr. Alan 'Questionable Man' Bouquet, who once emailed his chief climatology lecturer in the University of East Anglia a slightly drunken and wonky attempt at drawing a regression curve. His lecturer later had his email raided by some economist and lost his job as the drunken wonky graph seemed to prove the non existence of climate change. (Beers all round mate...your buying)
   
3. And Janu Seev, who loves pigs and is mad because I have never seen her not smiling, ever. [You owe ME for all those shopping trips J])

If I was Prime Minister I would...Swine Flu, the Tube and the NHS.

Well, Swine flu seems to be all the rage these days isn’t it? School children are passing the infection round like trading cards and well, who would bet against some Japanese cartoonist making it into an actual trading card game / multi million pound game franchise?

Anyway, what really worries me about swine flu is that pigs don’t seem to be suffering from this at all. It isn’t the best situation to be in really, if you were a pig. You have a pandemic flu named after you, Muslims and Jewish people HATE you and you are the subject of many scathing and discriminatory comments to fat or greedy children. I wouldn’t be surprised if pigs eventually leave this planet.

Cows should disappear too, I mean, yes, they provide great and tasty meat and sometimes are called Angus but seriously, mad cow disease is just not good. The NHS cannot afford to provide psychiatric treatment to mad cows let alone mad humans. In Hinduism, cows are holy animals and I do not see god on this planet. He is somewhere else we can’t see and therefore we shouldn’t be able to see living cows we should only pray or worship their pictures.

The NHS, in its current state can’t afford anything and is far from god. It really is quickly becoming an absolute farce especially when their main source of income is now from their expensive car parks as the government cannot afford to fund our banks let alone the NHS. Quite frankly, the banks should be merged with our hospitals. Because the way these banks are going the only people needing treatment in hospital are going to be our politicians and the bankers, who have been hurt by several million angry poor people.

And, what about the tube? It is now looking like one of the most fantastically big breeding ground for the swine flu virus and terrorism. What’s worse is that modernising the damn thing has caused one company to go bust, the other to have severe delays and Wanstead station to close. So what is the solution to the faltering underground? Well many will automatically suggest that the underground should be shutdown. I believe that we could shut it down to trains and use the tunnels as a high speed car transit. Using the tunnels and stations as underground motorway systems where by cars get on and get off at their desired stop. Then again, that is a stupid idea.

The underground is a symbol of this great old city and I believe, like the NHS, we should do everything possible to maintain it. Swine flu may make the London Underground public enemy number one but it will be a much loved enemy. Bring in trains with air-conditioning, tube services twenty four hours a day and night tube services that have a fully stocked bar serving exotic drinks! Yes, you’ve got it. Under my government, the tube will run special alcohol trains every 15 minutes after 8pm. These trains will serve alcohol and cheap prices and therefore bring in another revenue stream for which we can use to maintain our fine train system. As they say; “you will always find the answer in alcohol”.

So, in conclusion, what are my main points?
Build pubs in hospitals and get alcohol back on the London Underground. Beer will save our country’s liver disease issues, mass transport system and nurses’ jobs.
(We, as a nation, should look to the Belarus International Cricket team for inspiration...beer really can change our fortunes - Image courtesy of Mr. R. Pimp)

Oh Bugger

Well, what a few weeks it has been for politician eh? This extraordinary story has caused me to delay publication of my next instalment of "If I was Prime Minister" in order for me to give my views in the latest political scandal and how I would solve it.

Now, obviously, the situation is dire. Ninety eight million pounds of the money we have earned and paid to the government to get something back from them has been flashed about by MP's watching pornography, filming it and buying other houses to watch it. As far as I understand it, one politician spent one thousand six hundred and forty five pounds on a floating duck island? That is a real niche for porn isn't it really? I mean, credit where it's due, this man is clearly cash strapped in the recession and is trying to carve out a profitable business by monopolising the nonexistent duck porn market. Yes, you may be slightly bamboozled and disturbed at the thought of Duck related pornography but believe me, it's just a phase. I will certainly work to ensure that the exploitation of ducks in pornography is outlawed.

Anyway, so what really disgusts me here is that our politicians are disgustingly stupid to not realise that what they were doing was morally wrong. One politician was quoted as saying: "People are just jealous." I mean yes, politicians are universally renowned as being the greatest planks outside the Amazonian rainforests but I'm pretty sure an Amazonian Oak tree, Glaswegian Palm tree or even an English Willow will be able to realise that taking money from the public and using it for their personal gain is wrong. Off course, it's not just the current crop of politicians that are complete idiots; history has been littered with politicians with half a brain cell. I mean remember the famous Paxman Vs. Howard bust up? Seriously, WHY can't politicians be straight up, honest and answer the damn questions we have of them? It's just disgusting really, but we must wonder why, as a nation, we continue to vote for people with combined IQ of 0.5?

It is a mystery to me and certainly it was a mystery to Charles Kennedy who tried to find the solution to "why am I not prime minister?" in alcohol. The way I see it, we aren't, as a nation, represented fairly by our politicians, national anthem or even our sports teams. Yes, it is sad but true. "God save the King / Queen" was written by an Austrian (Joseph Haydn) and England's major sports team are managed by an Italian (Fabio Capello) and a Zimbabwean (flower).

I mean, to the outside world we are just a band of people who crave disappointment and have had predominantly overcast weather since we invented cricket. It wouldn't surprise me if we were the ones to invent that cock of a professional, the statistician. I think it is good to see the one eyed Scotsman battle his way through the riff and the raff of our current situation. He will succeed because, naturally, we just expect something a little bit better than now because we are used to failing miserably and a bit of stiff upper lip and gritty resistance is better than him giving up. So what to do?

Well I think the solution lies in the counter argument to this all. I mean instead of damning the public and our general resignation conservative approach to everything we could argue that British politics is just the pinnacle of our fine British humour right? No, unless you class Big Brother and Waterloo Road as fine british humour. I think we need to make British politics funnier and make it work just like Blackadder, Monty python, Fawlty towers or Only Fools and Horses! I mean yes, we already have Paxman and the papers practically calling the politicians a plonker but, like Baldrick or Manuel, I think the British need a bit more slapstick behaviour to cause strife in our politics. Humiliating our politicians will certainly make them think twice before they try to earn some money on the side by filming "Jordon rests in Yorkshire".

What I think we should do is invite members of public to Wembley stadium (we paid for it!) and let them take their anger out on shamed politicians. Quite simple really, pay a fiver to enter and then pelt the shamed politicians with as much crap as possible. That'll sort them out good. They, obviously, won't be entitled to NHS treatment for their injuries. That will be their punishment; they have to pay their own way to be able to walk home. Yes it is brutal and yes it doesn't sound very productive but I think the politicians just do not fear the wrath of the public. They are too comfortable in their jobs and this added humiliation will sort them out.

So really, in conclusion, all we can say is this. Statisticians are still cocks but politicians run very close to them. As a result of this dramatic conclusion we must act by getting ninety thousand people to smash the crap out of these politicians. Corporal punishment should be legalised ONLY for politicians and what Britain needs is straight talking individuals to lead this country.

The Raven.

(Dedicated to a Brilliant and remarkably straight talking individual who believes in killing criminals and was very much the inspirer of my latest idea of legalizing corporal punishment to politicians. Yes, I would like to thank, my future lord Chancellor and Secretary of State Justice, Piri Piri spices from Nandos.)