Why statisticians are cocks...

Now many people have been asking me why statisticians are cocks and I thought I would explain why this rebel sector of Mathematics is deftly ridiculed by me.

Every day we hear in the news that forty percent of Londoners enjoy being crammed into an aluminium can or that northerners are statistically more likely to have a West Country accent compared to their human counterparts in Devon.

So, we must wonder where we get these barmy figures from. The simple fact is that these statistics are generated from answers people give in surveys. Now, in my experience, surveys are voluntary but they are almost always shoved in your face in some street corner by some awfully nice, poor university student who you can’t turn down because whatever you say seems to be so rude.

It’s just like Euthanasia; the people that want to die are so nice and unavoidable. You want to help them by protesting, sending letters to Gordon Brown and having vociferous discussions about the subject at the pub but, unlike poor university students on a street corner, these people almost always do not get what they want. I believe that “psychos”, who are great practitioners of the illegal practise of involuntary euthanasia (Murder), jamming up the British prisons and those that wish to have Euthanasia can, together, solve both issues on euthanasia and involuntary euthanasia by building massive “Death Clubs”. These clubs will be social areas where those who want euthanasia can meet those who want to commit involuntary euthanasia. This will get murderers off the street and into the clubs and will stop pro-euthanasia protests. (VOTE the RAVEN for London Mayor 2016!)

I’m not entirely certain how this relates to poor university students but I am not for one minute suggesting that university students are murderers, although, I am sitting in a mathematics lecture on differential equations at the moment and secretly wishing that Euthanasia is legalised and university counsellors become trained “mercy killers” (Euthanasia practitioners) within the next ten to fifteen minutes.

Thing is, surveys are completely random and not always representative of the entire population just like how some people are pro-euthanasia and others are pro-murder. What makes it worse is that we are forced to do these things by poor university students and we end up just answering questions in a hurry rather than honestly therefore the only fact we get from these surveys is that most of the answers are utter bullshit. Quite convenient that Britain, in a recent survey, has been rated as the most dishonest nation in Europe (Never has there been so much irony in two sentences). The fact that statisticians haven’t realised these two rather major findings simply confirms they are cocks.

My conclusions?

Differential equations can be quite entertaining, learning how to write left handed is far more entertaining, sheep have become strangely attractive during this lesson and death is a viable and humorous alternative to these forms of entertainment.

Oh and one other thing...Maths joke: “What is the biggest rope in the world? EuROPE”.