Financial Investment – P DIDDY’s Jewellery - The death of Foliage – Scolari’s dodgy Squad rotation

I recieved an email this morning from a company, that will remain nameless for the duration of this rant, telling me “where to invest in 2009”.

I thought to myself, surely financial “investment” is as bad as me walking down to my local ladbrokes and putting a tenner on some horse, probably called Nazi’s Gold, winning the 15.10 at Landsdowne Road on Sunday. Yes ok fine that is a load of cack. Financial investments involve lots of clever bankers doing complicated maths and statistics (saving the reputation of statisticians – or am I? No, they still are cocks...). Really, I think it is safe to conclude that financial investment, investment banks etc are just a more complicated form of me going into the betting shop. Just like going to war against Saddam Hussain and Iraq is a more complicated form of lamping your best mate (while a bit drunk) around the head a few times for “stealing your missus”. The U.S. had to persuade the world there were weapons of mass destruction, send some guy, who was just some pimp’s jewellery (Hans BLIX), to inspect for weapons of mass destruction and then send in troops to look for some beardy man who looked like a pirate at best (Saddam). If u ask me, I wouldn’t be surprised if Obama’s first act as president was to remove the troops from Iraq and Afghanistan while ending the war on terror by admitting that bearded men don’t turn him on, thus causing Bush to jump off a cliff and kill himself (yes, he wasn’t very smart...he always thought he had a beard...and his speech-writers forgot to tell him that the war on terror was the rest of the world at war against him).

a Maybe it is true love for Osama and Bush after all. (Courtesy of http://home.graffiti.net/poisonpopcorn:graffiti.net/pics/bush_osama.jpg)

Anyway, back to these financial investments and investors. They have got us into a bit of a mess and I believe like Obama (and his anti-terror measures) we should ensure changes are made. Instead of getting rid of these investment bankers and causing more bust ups at the new branch of JobCentre Plus in Chigwell, I pledge that government send out football style scouts on a talent search. A search looking for people who are doing well in gambling all their money and getting more back, these people should then be sent to the land of the banks (Canary Wharf) where they will replace our disgraced bankers. These bankers won’t face repossessions or re-housing as a result of losing their jobs, they will become part of a disgraced banker placement scheme, which will place these bankers into betting shops and casinos around the world where they can “rehabilitate” and rebuild their skills. As soon as our “new talent” start faltering like their banking predecessors, the government merely swap them with the old bankers thus causing a rotation of bankers and keeping the economy afloat. It’s what Gaffers like Alex Ferguson and Luis Felipe Scolari call the “squad rotation system”.

So yeah, it seems that the ideas originally used by football will save the British economy. Might as well seeing football hasn’t been affected by the credit crunch.
Special K.

Just what is Recession?

Sarah Palin’s attempts to seduce the world's greatest nation into voting for a man old enough to die due to a massive explosion of his genitalia as a result of an overdose of Viagra were in vein, as the sudden increase in IQ for the average American resulted in Barack Obama being voted as the new President of the United States.

It comes at an interesting period for a world on the brink of a global recession however it doesn’t fluster me having entered my own personal recession 2 years ago. The credit crunch sounds more like a cheap soggy cereal in a bowl of water if you ask me and well for the price of special K cereal you probably will only get a cheap soggy cereal and a bottle of water in the current market.

It is quite bad though, I go into the shops looking for a refreshing beverage that is cheap (preferably less than one pound) and all I can get is one litre of bottled water. Still ONE LITRE was a pleasant surprise and don’t get me wrong, I’m not all anti-health foods and anti-detox. I think drinking water regularly is great but really sometimes you just want that something with a little bit more ZANG or TANG or BANG. Thing is, I think it’s all a government conspiracy. I mean they already tax your life away on cigarettes, booze and joy riding in central London. So how do students get their kicks in their breaks between lectures? Well, we used to go and get a can or bottle of fizzy drink but now the prices for those are so ridiculous that all we can get is water. I personally believe this is all part of a grand government plan to cover up a massive food shortage due to a dodgy government statistician proclaiming that we have enough food to last us 400 years thus allowing the U.S. to drop nuclear bombs on the world’s biggest supermarkets (Hiroshima). Yes it is a little known fact, but EVERY BIT OF FOOD we see and eat was ACTUALLY delivered from the 'Hiroshimarket'. The U.S. and the British stocked up before they bombed the place thus starving countries like Zimbabwe, Vietnam, Germany, Russia and Argentina off course (Yes that’s right, Germany didn’t lose World war 2 the German soldiers were just starved to death, the iron curtain didn’t collapse...the Russians had to eat it to stay alive). It will be another 400 years before the 'Hiroshimarket' is re-opened and it was previously thought the British would have enough to last that period (providing they shrink the empire...which did happen)

Winston's tactical brilliance may have involved "starvation of the opposition".

Statisticians are right “cocks”.

Really they are...they think they know it all when it comes to using some old model to predict the future! How could the guy have missed out the fact that the world was eventually going to become depressed and try to drink its way out of trouble each time something bad happened? It’s why they’ve always said “the answer isn’t alcohol”. Really, it is the answer and it’s only because some idiot didn’t do his sums properly which has resulted in the great cliché: “the answer isn’t in alcohol”.

Lost

Admittedly, I don’t know where I’m going with this article but I can conclude that the recession isn’t a kink in the economic cycle where economic activity is significantly reduced. No, it is merely an increase in dodgy cereal, prices of caffeinated beverages and poor statisticians.

special K.