Now, you're probably wondering WHY I've entitled this so or maybe even WHERE I live so that you can hunt me down and kill me for writing yet another load of crap. Naturally, this means I won't answer your questions and I will continue to keep on writing on about this rather intriguing title.
Yes, this article is the start of a series of articles entitled: "If I was prime minister I would…"
It's primarily designed to give you all a sneak preview of the ways I intend to win over the hearts of a nation, become prime minister and save the planet from destroying itself. I intend to start my own political party (please make your suggestions for a party name in the comments section of this blog) and the policies outlined in these articles will be carefully recorded and refined in my manifesto. The first article in the series is entitled:
The Economy
Now, I'm sure you are all rather angry at the news that the governments of the world intend to spend around one trillion U.S. dollars to give the flagging global economy a boost. I, however, was quite happy about this because I thought that it was one trillion US dollars which means we don't spend any of our British pounds but as I have since learned, dollars is just a nice way of saying it and that we are actually giving out part of those trillion dollars. This bought a sense of rage but instead of launching Afghans into Royal Bank of Scotland windows or cursing Travelex for their ability to convert pounds into dollar, I decided to use a terribly British show of rage and set about writing a strongly worded letter to the right honourable gentleman, Mr. Gordon Brown.
This letter writing business lasted for all of two minutes when I realized that I have a solution to the problem in our economy! The key is to arrest control of the economy from the bankers who seem to have made their own oligarchy over the world's economy. You could say that I am starting the "War on Bankers".
No, that doesn't mean I will be bombing Canary Wharf or killing Sir Fred Goodwin, although the latter seems like a great way of getting a landslide victory in the next general election…
Anyway, cast your minds back to the beginning of February 2009. Remember anything special? Yes, you guessed it! It snowed! The doom and gloom of a recession hit January was immediately lifted by a bit of snow. Over the years, while secretly missing the beautiful snow showers of winter, I have taken great pride in correcting visiting tourists and their underestimation of British weather but the sudden reappearance of the polar conditions allowed me to conduct a new experiment. I'm not going to bore you with the technicalities of this experiment but I can conclude that snowmen are the answer to this great recession and the way we can win the war on bankers! It isn't a coincidence that the doom and gloom was lifted at the same time snow came to our land. I base this on entirely false fact (What politician doesn't?) but scientists believe that snowmen have large "bottoms" because they are stores of large amounts of cash. Have faith in me people.
So how do I propose to harness the power of these winter only creatures?
Simple, make artificial ones. Vast sums of money will be invested in rebuilding the massive factories that once stood in Longbridge. Instead of building cars, these factories will produce vast amounts of artificial snow. The snow will then be transferred to manufacturing plants which will produce these snowmen. The snowmen will then be taken to "money extraction plants" in, what is now, Canary Wharf. Here, the money will be extracted from the snowmen and they will be recycled at recycling plants.
This ladies and gentlemen will give the government more cash to allow us to buy our way out of recession. The estimated employment for this process will be approximately two million at the initial stage. We can afford to go into more debt and invest in building the infrastructure for this process because I believe we can get a quick and profitable return. In the long run, our welfare, happiness and security will increase! In the long run, I hope to be able to pay you all back for your support for me! In the long run, I hope that the British will be in terrific surplus and that we WILL become an economic super power in our world! Vote for HAPPINESS! Vote for success! Vote for ME!
Ladies and Gentlemen, for too long we have had our eyes covered by the Labour government. Gordon Brown has used his rugby player exterior to bully us into supporting him in these glum times! He has lead our country by constantly reminding us all of the previous conservative governments failings and that he is better. Truth is, he is just as bad. He has slipped extra help to our greedy, fat-cat bankers by garnishing it with "government targets", "increases in house prices" and "fancy buildings in Canary Wharf". He's stupid to have believed our bankers and we must make him pay! The current government has got us into this catastrophic mess but I believe in change. I believe we can fight back! I believe snowmen (and me) are the answer to all our economic shortfalls! We will become the great nation we once were. For too long we have been happy to underachieve and settle for second best. But I promise you, that in five years time, we will be on the brink of global domination once again!
So there you have it. I will bring a clear thinking, no nonsense approach to British politics. Something we have been missing for some time and something I believe will be the saviour of our great nation!
Next Week's issue? - Transport.
[Inspired by and written for a comical, all – round naturist (he LIKES nature…he is an ornithologist...wait naturist isn't the correct word is it then?), cricketing God whose tough talking, "hard-nosed", Hornchurch hating approach has seen him elevated to the status of Legend by many. This legend I talk of is none other than Sir "SPIM" a lot! (Cheers Jim ). ]
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