Should we really skip Breakfast? The most important meal of the day?!

Well, it's been quite some time since I last wrote. Some 9 years 2 months 20 days, some minutes and several seconds. Many of you will have been wondering what has happened to the Raven. I estimate approximately zero people have been wondering which is an alarming number. I mean less people are starving, hungry and homeless in Monaco!

As you should have worked out by now much has changed since that time. Apart from some things like the Queen of the UK and the head of the Commonwealth (her age now means she won't need to show ID at Wetherspoons they can just use carbon dating now), Queen Angela Merkel of German Europe, Emperor Putin of Russia and Minister of Crime. Putin insists on spelling it by adding an A at the end for some reason. Still, he hasn't got my support as Minister of Crime, especially with the current wave of knife crime in London.

I would expect a good act by a Minister of Crime to be increasing the police presence on the streets. Scratch that, I would consider a good act by a minister of crime to be ensuring the police actually do work. By that, I mean a smart looking fellow walking the streets, baton and hand-cuffs in belt whilst wearing an egg shaped hat not the American style "let's grab a box of donuts" whilst on a 'stake out' (I personally am not a fan of having steak with doughnuts. Yes that is how you spell doughnuts) or asking a random driver for his license and insurance whilst holding the driver over the back of the car so they can view their bottom whilst seductively stroking their gun so it is warmed up for immediate use should they see any stereotypical looking situation they would need to use their gun for. I really can't be bothered to list all the American police's stereotype gun use excuses but just think of all those movies. Rush Hour, Police Academy or that one with Eddie Murphy in it, erm, Nutty Professor? (Beverly Hills Cop really).

Going back to the serious point I'm making however, Putin, Minister of Crime, getting one of his employees to shoot down a large airliner is not addressing crime. In fact, the fact he shot down an airliner made by Airbus is worse as it has now caused chaos in Europe because Airbus is a company that has unified Europe. Bare with me whilst I go into my aviation geek mode and explain.

The Airbus A330 that was shotdown had the mighty Rolls-Royce Trent 700 engines which were built in the UK, probably by the Queen in her spare time. The ultra modern wings were built in Bristol by British Aerospace whilst Tony Bliar was considering his holiday options in Iraq. Queen Merkel and her predecessor, whose name I can't remember, I'm sure it wasn't Hitler, actually employed people rather than use some sort've ethnic group slave labour to build the plane's fuselage (the cylindrical thing that we sit in) in a German city called Hamburger (I suppose the German's didn't want to name the city Wurst... Being the worst city is bad enough). All of these parts of the plane are then shipped to Toulouse in France where it is put together. Despite the name of this French city, the plane is a winner and a true product of Europe. In fact the giant A380 Superjumbo and even the achingly beautiful and supersonic Concorde are products of the United States of Europe (abbreviated EU not USE). Let's be honest here, Concorde should have been Miss World.

Now, having written all of this about Airbus, my memory has just told me that Putin's mate actually shot down a Boeing 777 made by the United States of America. I, Raven, am clearly a bit stupid. Some shallow men in Essex nightclubs will call me a dumb bird and say "Let's have itttt."

Let's say, however, that I was right about an Airbus being shot down and add to that a certain Mr Nigel Farage, a local radio DJ on a station called LBC, who formerly led a welfare group concerned about insomnia called "U" "KIP". The United Kingdom who also calls itself, rather modestly, GREAT Britain and was a former ruler of a third of the people of the World has decided it wants to have Brexit.

I am concerned about this Brexit notion and some very senior doctors in the world have given me some very well evidenced advice on this. I say doctors, I mean doctor. Well, Dr Patel on Caterham Avenue. He is quite well spoken and a highly educated man having spent several thousand pounds on getting his medical degree certificate from Exford University. What a wonderfully efficient university Exford is. He says his certificate was emailed to him as a PDF. Dr Patel has, on many occasions, asserted that "brexit is most important food in day". Now I like to think I have quite a descent no ledge of the English language not as good as his obviously but I get by anyway. You know; "Bonjour", "gracias", "oi", "Where you at blad?" etc. And I've always presumed he means I should have Weetabix for breakfast when he says Brexit and never skip breakfast as its important. Medical terminology can be all too confusing.

Naturally, as we all do these days, I went on to the Internet to a website called Google. What a stupid name for anything let alone a website by the way. Why not give it a name like Jeeves? It's like me calling my first child "Jobs".

Anyway searching this Brexit word brought up a whole load of non-sensical rubbish that would've made something more non-sensical make sense. From what I can understand, Prime Minister May is negotiating with the President of the European commission who is apparently Jun(c)k(er). Apparently PM May wants us out of this Weetabix for breakfast business but the Junk can't agree. I can only presume the Junk has spoken with Dr Patel and is looking after the UK's best interests because quite frankly I can see May wants this because she prefers long Brunches discussing how to make people more unhappy with Jeremy Hunt or how she plans to leave a whoopee cushion on Jeremy Corbyn's seat in the House of Commons. I could be wrong, it could just be that Parliament disagreed with this Junk's ideals of Weetabix for Breakfast and they want May to get us out of having Weetabix for breakfast and get the Junk to allow us to have a good fry up for breakfast whenever we want. I wouldn't mind that to be honest but fry ups cost a bit more and aren't as healthy.

The Junk doesn't seem to be too keen on this and May is asking for some sort of extra time to discuss further. Probably because she wants a nice summer agreement (we all love a Summer Divorce after all).

What is she going to achieve? Compromise and allow us to have rice krispies instead of Weetabix? Does she want to delay so we get our breakfast in May? The month of her name?

Then there is this ridiculous business about no deal Brexit. How can we be expected to skip Weetabix or any other breakfast for ever?! Sounds like this is going to snap, crackle and then pop to me.

So really what I'm really trying to say is; Mrs May, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Let's not skip it and, to save you all the trouble of trying to deal with Northern Irelanders having to stuff Weetabix up their backside (they call this the 'back stop' apparently), let's just stick to Weetabix at Breakfast. No more Brexit.

Time for me to go find out what's for Lunch.

Oh great. It's Trump Steak
. 

Raven