Well, what a few weeks it has been for politician eh? This extraordinary story has caused me to delay publication of my next instalment of "If I was Prime Minister" in order for me to give my views in the latest political scandal and how I would solve it.
Now, obviously, the situation is dire. Ninety eight million pounds of the money we have earned and paid to the government to get something back from them has been flashed about by MP's watching pornography, filming it and buying other houses to watch it. As far as I understand it, one politician spent one thousand six hundred and forty five pounds on a floating duck island? That is a real niche for porn isn't it really? I mean, credit where it's due, this man is clearly cash strapped in the recession and is trying to carve out a profitable business by monopolising the nonexistent duck porn market. Yes, you may be slightly bamboozled and disturbed at the thought of Duck related pornography but believe me, it's just a phase. I will certainly work to ensure that the exploitation of ducks in pornography is outlawed.
Anyway, so what really disgusts me here is that our politicians are disgustingly stupid to not realise that what they were doing was morally wrong. One politician was quoted as saying: "People are just jealous." I mean yes, politicians are universally renowned as being the greatest planks outside the Amazonian rainforests but I'm pretty sure an Amazonian Oak tree, Glaswegian Palm tree or even an English Willow will be able to realise that taking money from the public and using it for their personal gain is wrong. Off course, it's not just the current crop of politicians that are complete idiots; history has been littered with politicians with half a brain cell. I mean remember the famous Paxman Vs. Howard bust up? Seriously, WHY can't politicians be straight up, honest and answer the damn questions we have of them? It's just disgusting really, but we must wonder why, as a nation, we continue to vote for people with combined IQ of 0.5?
It is a mystery to me and certainly it was a mystery to Charles Kennedy who tried to find the solution to "why am I not prime minister?" in alcohol. The way I see it, we aren't, as a nation, represented fairly by our politicians, national anthem or even our sports teams. Yes, it is sad but true. "God save the King / Queen" was written by an Austrian (Joseph Haydn) and England's major sports team are managed by an Italian (Fabio Capello) and a Zimbabwean (flower).
I mean, to the outside world we are just a band of people who crave disappointment and have had predominantly overcast weather since we invented cricket. It wouldn't surprise me if we were the ones to invent that cock of a professional, the statistician. I think it is good to see the one eyed Scotsman battle his way through the riff and the raff of our current situation. He will succeed because, naturally, we just expect something a little bit better than now because we are used to failing miserably and a bit of stiff upper lip and gritty resistance is better than him giving up. So what to do?
Well I think the solution lies in the counter argument to this all. I mean instead of damning the public and our general resignation conservative approach to everything we could argue that British politics is just the pinnacle of our fine British humour right? No, unless you class Big Brother and Waterloo Road as fine british humour. I think we need to make British politics funnier and make it work just like Blackadder, Monty python, Fawlty towers or Only Fools and Horses! I mean yes, we already have Paxman and the papers practically calling the politicians a plonker but, like Baldrick or Manuel, I think the British need a bit more slapstick behaviour to cause strife in our politics. Humiliating our politicians will certainly make them think twice before they try to earn some money on the side by filming "Jordon rests in Yorkshire".
What I think we should do is invite members of public to Wembley stadium (we paid for it!) and let them take their anger out on shamed politicians. Quite simple really, pay a fiver to enter and then pelt the shamed politicians with as much crap as possible. That'll sort them out good. They, obviously, won't be entitled to NHS treatment for their injuries. That will be their punishment; they have to pay their own way to be able to walk home. Yes it is brutal and yes it doesn't sound very productive but I think the politicians just do not fear the wrath of the public. They are too comfortable in their jobs and this added humiliation will sort them out.
So really, in conclusion, all we can say is this. Statisticians are still cocks but politicians run very close to them. As a result of this dramatic conclusion we must act by getting ninety thousand people to smash the crap out of these politicians. Corporal punishment should be legalised ONLY for politicians and what Britain needs is straight talking individuals to lead this country.
The Raven.
(Dedicated to a Brilliant and remarkably straight talking individual who believes in killing criminals and was very much the inspirer of my latest idea of legalizing corporal punishment to politicians. Yes, I would like to thank, my future lord Chancellor and Secretary of State Justice, Piri Piri spices from Nandos.)
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