Financial Investment – P DIDDY’s Jewellery - The death of Foliage – Scolari’s dodgy Squad rotation

I recieved an email this morning from a company, that will remain nameless for the duration of this rant, telling me “where to invest in 2009”.

I thought to myself, surely financial “investment” is as bad as me walking down to my local ladbrokes and putting a tenner on some horse, probably called Nazi’s Gold, winning the 15.10 at Landsdowne Road on Sunday. Yes ok fine that is a load of cack. Financial investments involve lots of clever bankers doing complicated maths and statistics (saving the reputation of statisticians – or am I? No, they still are cocks...). Really, I think it is safe to conclude that financial investment, investment banks etc are just a more complicated form of me going into the betting shop. Just like going to war against Saddam Hussain and Iraq is a more complicated form of lamping your best mate (while a bit drunk) around the head a few times for “stealing your missus”. The U.S. had to persuade the world there were weapons of mass destruction, send some guy, who was just some pimp’s jewellery (Hans BLIX), to inspect for weapons of mass destruction and then send in troops to look for some beardy man who looked like a pirate at best (Saddam). If u ask me, I wouldn’t be surprised if Obama’s first act as president was to remove the troops from Iraq and Afghanistan while ending the war on terror by admitting that bearded men don’t turn him on, thus causing Bush to jump off a cliff and kill himself (yes, he wasn’t very smart...he always thought he had a beard...and his speech-writers forgot to tell him that the war on terror was the rest of the world at war against him).

a Maybe it is true love for Osama and Bush after all. (Courtesy of http://home.graffiti.net/poisonpopcorn:graffiti.net/pics/bush_osama.jpg)

Anyway, back to these financial investments and investors. They have got us into a bit of a mess and I believe like Obama (and his anti-terror measures) we should ensure changes are made. Instead of getting rid of these investment bankers and causing more bust ups at the new branch of JobCentre Plus in Chigwell, I pledge that government send out football style scouts on a talent search. A search looking for people who are doing well in gambling all their money and getting more back, these people should then be sent to the land of the banks (Canary Wharf) where they will replace our disgraced bankers. These bankers won’t face repossessions or re-housing as a result of losing their jobs, they will become part of a disgraced banker placement scheme, which will place these bankers into betting shops and casinos around the world where they can “rehabilitate” and rebuild their skills. As soon as our “new talent” start faltering like their banking predecessors, the government merely swap them with the old bankers thus causing a rotation of bankers and keeping the economy afloat. It’s what Gaffers like Alex Ferguson and Luis Felipe Scolari call the “squad rotation system”.

So yeah, it seems that the ideas originally used by football will save the British economy. Might as well seeing football hasn’t been affected by the credit crunch.
Special K.