If Pigs could fly.

Well, you may be wondering where I've been in the last few months. Has he been stuck in a British airport because airlines around the world are collapsing like a smoker's lung after 35000 cigarettes and an acute bout of bovine flu? Maybe he has been bankrupted and forced to sell sexual favours to rebellious nuns? Has he been stuck in a tunnel under a sea for several months because the trains got scared of the cold? Should I give a shit that he hasn't blogged in a while?

These are all questions that may have been circling through your mind and no doubt your answer to the latter would've been a resounding no.

Truth is, after my last blog my doctor decided that I had finally lost it and I have spent the last few months in the fantasia world that is otherwise known as Psychiatry Outpatients. Psychiatrists may seem rather smart but having been given every single tablet ever produced by glaxosmithkline my "world leading psychiatrist in the field of 'madism'" has decided he is not sure they are working. That isn't very smart. I may have been diagnosed with this 'madism' disease but I am certain I am less mad than the psychiatrist supposedly treating me.

Mind you, if it was up to me, I would diagnose the whole world with 'madism'. It really has gone mad.

I mean, the recent wintery weather has triggered the usual excuse from every transport companies' executive saying: 'oh we weren't ready for it' or 'it was too much for our system to handle'. When will we learn?

As for the politicians, well, Berlusconi got a pummelling in the news didn't he? Then he literally got pummelled by some random in Milan by a statue. I was waiting to see how long it would take. The Italians were clearly mad enough to let this joke of a man continue for so long without retribution!

And, on another point, what is up with men and sex these days? Tiger Woods caught short at what must've been his 30th hole? Berlusconi going with women, who are so young, they may as well call him Uncle Fritzl? It is another fine example of man becoming mad.

What about that politician who claimed £20000 for his bell tower and then turns round and says: 'you are jealous and I did nothing wrong'? Call me old fashioned but that is 'Poppycock'. I'll be honest here, when I first heard of this scandal I was a bit naïve and thought a bell tower was some sort of elaborate sex toy for the male genitalia. I was clearly wrong but this man is the most naive simply because he can't see, on moral grounds, how that was so wrong?!

Where will this end? The polar caps are melting and some economist decides to ruin a man who has spent his life working climate change by going through his personal emails, find out ONE of his graph's in 1999 was a bit wonky and therefore coming to the conclusion that climate change is wrong and we should stop the Copenhagen climate summit?! All this from an economist! Idiots didn't even see the recession coming yet they can tell that climate change is non-existent!

What about that catastrophic earthquake in Indonesia a few months back?! I'm a novice with this geophysics stuff, but as far as I could tell it was all caused by some man moving another man's tectonic plate?! I mean if I was jealous of someone's posh plates I won't MOVE it or push it under another plate! That's just plain jealousy!

Problem here is greed. Every human being is consumed with greed at some point. Why is greediness such a problem? For one, it really is a problem governments are not tackling because obesity, alcoholism and teenage pregnancies are somehow a bigger problem. Can't they see? The underlying cause of all these problems is GREED. Obesity is because everyone who can afford it is eating all the food and being greedy about it. Why not give the leftovers of Christmas dinner to the poor man on the street rather than stuff it down ourselves? Alcohol makes us feel good and alcoholism creeps in when you are greedy to feel that good all the time.

So what we must do here is combat greed.

My solution? Simple. My theory is that as human's we are naturally competitive race and we don't like getting beaten. Now, pigs have been much slated recently with the massive swine flu debacle and over time have been hated by Muslims and Jews all over the world. They are also part of many derogatory comments made to fat children by their peers in the school playground. But, most importantly, they have also been known as greedy.

The way I see it, the human race has seen the pig and decided to outdo the malodorous runts. This is why we are all so greedy because we want to be greedier than the pigs. So, put simply, the way to combat greed, alcoholism, obesity, cheating partners, bankers making remarkably risky decisions, madism and climate change remaining a reality we should simply get rid of the pigs.

(Sighs) If only pigs could fly.

 

(Dedicated, to many lovely people:

1. My awesome psychiatrist, therapist and general ketchup in my life, Piri Piri. (I owe u 1 [nothing too expensive though!])
   
2. Mr. Alan 'Questionable Man' Bouquet, who once emailed his chief climatology lecturer in the University of East Anglia a slightly drunken and wonky attempt at drawing a regression curve. His lecturer later had his email raided by some economist and lost his job as the drunken wonky graph seemed to prove the non existence of climate change. (Beers all round mate...your buying)
   
3. And Janu Seev, who loves pigs and is mad because I have never seen her not smiling, ever. [You owe ME for all those shopping trips J])