Raven’s Predictions for 2010 – Jan - June

Well, it's that time of year again. New Year's resolutions and all that. Well as far as I am concerned, achievable New Year's resolutions don't exist unless the year lasts 6 to 8 hours. As a result, I've decided I'm going to start the new decade by making a few news / sporting predictions for 2010.

January:

Morale in the Raven household reaches an all time low as my New Year's resolution to be healthy ends up with me falling into coma as a result massive alcohol consumption four hours into the New Year.

An England cricket team boasting four players of South African descent beat South Africa in the test series. England Football manager, Fabio Capello, is seen conversing with England Cricket Coach, Andy flower, in a down town Johannesburg pub. Fabio later arrives at Buckingham Palace to make a request to the Queen.

February:

The Queen announces her plan to build a new British Empire. Fabio Capello, a shifty character in the last month after his secret request to the Queen, is asked by the Queen to become head of state in the new British state of Italy, should our army successfully invade.

I sober up for the first time in three years only to avoid a hangover by downing several thousand pints of Scotch.

Barack Obama's war on terror looks like it is starting to bear fruit as a strange bearded man relaxing in the beaches of California is arrested. Rumours that the war on terror is over and the FBI have indeed arrested Osama Bin Laden are thwarted as it is found that this gentlemen was in fact Santa Claus on his post Christmas holidays. Obama is later seen with pie in his face.

March:

The ongoing financial crisis in the armed forces mean that the Great British armed forces invade the great footballing nations of Italy and Brazil armed with dried nuts and freshly cut fruit. Rome and Rio are captured, Berlusconi surrenders as lemon juice is sprayed over his over active loins and the Samba army of Brazil is thwarted by a suspiciously mobile apple tree. The West Country, as a result, say their apple reserves are zero and cease the production of West Country cider. The NHS, on the brink of collapse, is saved by this announcement as Britain sobers up for the first time since 2007.

The massive hangover that follows is promptly blamed on the, now popular, scapegoat, the banks.

Footballing legends like Ronaldinho, Del Piero and Zinedine Zidane (from the now British State of France) are given British Passports. Didier Drogba (from the British State of Ivory Coast) and Christiano Ronaldo (from the British state of Portugal) are given British passports and entered in the World Diving Championships. They both win Gold and Silver respectively.

April:

A nation, frustrated by its political leader, fights back by threatening to sue Gordon Brown over racism. He denies being racist but the people protest in numbers that his name is too anti non-brown people. Brown resigns and general election is called. The labour party is in turmoil but is certain their wildcard choice of David Beckham to lead them will ensure they win another election.

Their confidence starts to thin as he crumbles on the first live television debate of major party leaders as the nation question his economic policies. The televised debate turns out to be disaster as the smug Cameron fails to impress and Nick Clegg has a freak accident on stage. Charles Kennedy takes over the Liberal Democrats, announces the night before voting starts that he will invest in more apples for the West Country and wins the election by landslide, Britain is drunk again and Kennedy denies an alcohol problem despite being seen walking into his first prime minister's questions with a bottle of suspiciously brown Evian.

The NHS crumbles.

May:

The start of the cricket season sees English born cricketers replaced by Australian ones. England wins every game of the year. Sir Alex Ferguson leads Manchester United to another Premier League victory and Ryan Giggs is announced as player of the year. Ryan later signs a twenty year contract for the club. Arsene Wenger's youth policy at Arsenal backfires as he is arrested for paedophilia despite his claims he saw nothing.

The recently nationalized Evian announce to the British Public that they will now start producing scotch. Charles Kennedy's authority is deeply undermined by suggestions he avoided claiming alcohol as MP's expenses by nationalizing the mineral water giant.

Barack Obama continues to warn North Korea and Iran for their supposed nuclear missile capabilities, tension is at its highest.

June:

With England's cricketers doing comfortably well, attentions are more focused on a new look England Football squad announced by Fabio Capello (KBE). Featuring one Englishman (Wayne Rooney, who was actually born in Ireland), five Italians, five Brazilians and three Frenchman, England walk into the World Cup as hot favourites due to pre- British Invasion favourites Brazil, Italy, France and Portugal all having to pull out due to a lack of eligible players. England reach the final but lose to Germany in penalties, as Wayne Rooney, the one true Englishman misses the decisive penalty. Thierry Henry, leads the Great British State of France to the Quarter finals with several hand balls.

Tension between the Empire building Great Britain and Germany are at their highest since World War two as Germany supporters celebrate World Cup victory. The Queen is seen giving Angela Merkel dirty looks and Wayne Rooney sets fire to a Mercedes to show his anger at the European Giant.

Will World War 3 break out? Find out soon…